After my wife left me about 3.5 years ago I truly thought it was worse than a death. If she had died it wouldn’t be about “me.” If she had died I would not have scorched by soul with “what did I do wrong?” If she died it would not be because she didn’t love me any more. If she died her family would have been on my doorstep with food and comfort: “Is there anything we can do for you?” My family friends and neighbors would have reached out to help. It would not have been my “fault.”
A spouse leaving is different than the death of a spouse. This does not preclude the intensity of pain from the loss of life. It is simply different. It means that someone did something wrong. It means someone was at fault. It means someone stopped loving someone.
My divorce meant that her family and our friends stopped being my family and my friends. It meant I heard my daughter say, “Well, I just want you to be happy mom.” If mom had died, I know that instead of comforting mom, she would have comforted me. (Oh the self-pity we go through…) Divorce, to me, truly felt worse than death.
A couple of years later I wrote some about that. I posted it on my blog. Below is what I wrote. It won’t mean the same thing to different people. But I know what I meant by what I wrote. Maybe you can get something out of it too. It is below.
I read something the other day, this is not an exact quote, but this is what it meant:“Why do men divorce women? Because men are pigs!
Why do women divorce men? Because men are pigs!”At first I thought, “how silly.” But as I explored further, I think this is mainly true in American culture.
A man will divorce his wife and move on to another life, and society will say, “That creep!”
Women will divorce her husband and move on and society will say, “Right on!” “We just want you to be happy.” “We are glad you finally left that creep.”Of course, this is generalization. But my own experience and observations confirm to me that this is largely true.
Do you agree with this? If so, why is it? Please note: I’m not referring to what should be a Biblical/Christian attitude toward divorce, but what is the attitude of society in general.
I experienced this in my own divorce 2 1/2 years ago. My wife left and suddenly all of our friends, much of family and the community left with her. All of her family – that I loved much – disappeared. She moved out and suddenly I felt like a pariah in my own neighborhood. “What did he do to cause her to leave?” I could almost hear them whispering. Friendly neighbors turned distant. I knew of many that said to her something like, “We just want you to be happy. Do what you have to do.”
I knew that if she had died her family would have visited me daily. They would have brought me food. Called me. Comforted me. Her/our friends as well would have done the same. My neighbors would have been at the door to help. But because she divorced rather than died, suddenly those family and friends dropped off the face of the earth.
Why is it then… that when men divorce women it is beecause men are pigs?
and when women divorce men it is because men are pigs?
Is it true? Or is it just me?
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